With 2014 approaching, I found myself scrambling to identify the highlights of this past year. While I had some trouble at first, I realized that 2013 was a year of big changes for me. But amidst all of this progress and change, there is nothing to worry about — I’m still me. I’m just more well-traveled and a little bit more experienced in the falling-out-of-the-sky department. So here’s a summary of my year, through “Never Have I Ever”s that are no longer true*:
Never have I ever…
- been grandfatherless.
- had an Instagram account dedicated to my dog and newspaper headlines.
- run a 5k.
- been *this close* to packing up my things and driving out to California.
- quit JCPenney.
- (I’m too lazy to try to phrase this in “Never Have I Ever…”-talk, but Emma Roberts read my letter.)
- gone ziplining.
- been the target of an all-out bird shit holocaust.
- been paid to write about costumes and cupcakes.
- had poison ivy.
- watched an entire season of a television show in one day.
- attended an amateur wrestling event.
- been part of a chicken beheading.
- single-handedly tried to take down the terrorist group known as “BuzzFeed.”
- JUMPED OUT OF A FUCKING PLANE.
- rocked out with Rob Thomas.
- been paid to write literally anything.
- feared that I was a sellout.
- witnessed a caterpillar climb up a wall and get eaten by a spider.
- seen Dave Chappelle live.
- looked for a midget to love me via online dating.
- obtained a “big boy” job.
- gotten paid to tweet.
- been to Minnesota.
- stepped foot inside the single most incredible establishment in the United States (the Mall of America).
- eaten a “Juicy Lucy.”
- actually thought about being a parent.
- had this written about me: “Even at 23 he gets women better than most.”
- tried to learn how to play the piano.
- been brought to tears by a five-year-old kid dressed as Batman.
- hand-written a letter to a friend who wasn’t a “pen pal.”
- hated lists but just said “fuck it” and wrote them anyway (for free).
- modeled scarves.
- gotten herpes.
- physically wanted to harm an animal.
- owned socks with capes on them (trust me; they’re cool).
- truly enjoyed my job.
*As always, I am open to any/all questions regarding every aspect of this list.
Putting It Into Perspective 