Ways to Beat Me in “Never Have I Ever” Because of 2015

I keep thinking my best days are behind me. The way I see it, ever since I’ve joined the workforce and become part of the 9-5 grind, my life’s become a bore. But as I look back on my 2015, I realize that I’ve experienced plenty of new things and people in the past year. After all, you’re only bored if you’re boring.

The following list consists of “Never Have I Ever”s that are no longer true:

Never have I ever…

1. been so impressed by an album that I would label it as “fire.”
2. been paid to create a web series.
3. been so beat up about something football-related that I actually had shirts made about it.
4. sympathized with State Farm agents.
5. known what ASMR is.
6. doubted myself and my worth because of a silly dress.
7. appeared on Indian television.

To see the full 41-part list, head over to my personal website blog.


What Your Favorite Christmas Movies Are Really About

True Meanings of 20 Holiday Classics You Know and Love

Whether you celebrate the holiday or not, chances are you’ve seen a Christmas-themed movie or two. Or thirty. Many of us begin watching these films at a young age, appreciating them for capturing the “true meaning of Christmas,” without knowing what that actually means. But the problem isn’t that we’re confused about the significance of Christmas. We are, but the real problem is that we’ve got the true meanings of these movies all wrong.

The films we fell in love with as kids reveal more layers every time we watch. So, I’ve compiled a list of some of the most popular and beloved Christmas movies to hopefully explain the hidden and not-so-hidden messages behind them. Keep reading only if you’re ready for your minds to be blown and your childhood fantasy worlds to be shattered.


1. Elf


Memorable quote: “I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.”

What it’s really about: Disappointment. Your dad is never what you hoped he’d be the first time you meet him. And you’re not what he expected either.

2. A Christmas Story


Memorable quote: “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.”

What it’s really about: Not sure how many different ways we need to say this, but guns are bad, mmkay?

3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer


Memorable quote: “I’m cute! I’m cuuuuuuute!”

What it’s really about: Rosacea.

4. Frosty the Snowman

(Screenshot/A Cartoon Christmas)

Memorable quote: “And when I start to melt, I get all wishy-washy.”

What it’s really about: A snowman is a metaphor for that friend you see a lot during the holidays but then don’t see again for like 10 months because he has a cocaine problem.

To see the rest of this list, head over to the full article on Medium!

Songs You’ll Never Hear

Awhile back, I wrote a fairly in-depth article about art. I wrote about art as an outward expression of our deepest emotions, as well as the various other roles it plays. I explored the idea of “unshared” art — that is, art that the artist keeps to him/herself. I posed questions like What makes something I create valuable to me? and Does that value increase if my art affects others in the same way?

I also discussed the ways I “judge” my own art:

a. How does this help me?

b. How does this help others?

For my art to help others, I need to share it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to judge my art based on both criteria mentioned above. Sure, something I create might help me, but for it to have any affect on another person, I can’t keep it to myself.

I conclude in the article that perhaps it’s time for me to reconsider my hesitance to share things I’ve created, so that I can share that same value with other people.

Clearly, sitting here writing this post makes me hypocritical. If you continue reading below, you’ll see that I directly mention things I’ve created but neglect to actually show them. So, for what it’s worth, I’d like to share my ten favorite lyrics from songs I’ve written because that’s the best I can do right now.¹

 My favorite lyrics of songs you’ll (probably) never hear


I like the way you move

And I can’t shake the feeling

That I could fit into every groove your body has to offer

I accept.

from a song called “Blacklisted”


Objects in mirror are more regretful than they appear.

from a song called “Take One for the Team”


Every word that escapes my lips is met with confusion and amazement,

That glazed look upon your face.

-from a song called “Above the Influence”


Do you think I’m funny?

I don’t know if I’m crying or laughing

All I know is I’m hysterical.

-from a song called “Hysterical”


And if you happen to get cold feet,

Don’t worry — you can keep your socks on.

from a song called “Friend of the Year”


This town’s a museum and you’re every exhibit.

from a song called “The Artist”


Hate leaves bruises, but love leaves scars.

from a song called “The Win-You-Back Song”


The storm will eventually pass

Then I can comprehend her influence on the forecast.

from a song called “Click”


Let’s bury this town in the ash of our homes.

from a song called “Cigarettes”


I’m a paper airplane in the wind, and you’re the wind

Because you can blow me.

-from a song called “Blow Me (Away)”


¹The hesitance is still there because I care about what people think, but I’m running out of fucks.

My Personal Guide to Tinder, Part 2

A solution to a problem that doesn’t exist

Maybe it’s time for me to swipe right on the concept of online dating.

-me, in My Personal Guide to Tinder, Part 1

The last time I checked in, I was just beginning my Tinder journey. After hearing a handful of success stories, I decided that I’d give the dating app another chance. Perhaps it could be the “solution to my perpetual loneliness” (direct quote from my last post). But what I neglected to realize is that “my perpetual loneliness” is a conscious decision I’ve made, and frankly it’s not much of a problem at all. So, instead of looking at Tinder as a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist, I’m going to look at it as an opportunity — an opportunity to open doors that would remain closed otherwise.

My personal Tinder guidelines (cont.)

As I continue to use the app, I find myself developing more and more habits. One interesting observation I’ll make about these “rules” is that an overwhelming majority of them involve swiping left, effectively narrowing down (limiting?) my options. Like I said, I am the main reason those doors are closed in the first place.

Remember: Swipe left for NOPE, swipe right for LIKE.

  1. If I can’t pronounce her name, swipe left.
  2. Swipe left for girls whose names have stupid spellings (ie. Tayler, Elisabeth).
  3. *addendum to existing rule(s)* If there are two girls in the first photo and I can’t tell which one she is — BUT both girls are smoking hotswipe right. Swipe right immediately because it doesn’t matter which girl she is. Plus, she has gorgeous friends.
  4. If she has any more than zero (0) photos containing a horse, swipe left.
  5. If there is a glaring spelling/grammatical error in her About Me section, swipe left.
  6. If a girl is too New Jersey¹, swipe left.
  7. If she has something like If you _________, keep it moving! in her profile, swipe left.
  8. If she mentions faith and/or religion in her About Me section, swipe left because ain’t nobody got time for that.
  9. If her name is Dina, swipe left.
  10. Swipe left if her weight isn’t discernible. (I know this makes me sound like a shallow asshole, but what’s the point of swiping right on somebody I don’t really want to talk to? That’d be sacrificing the integrity of Tinder. <<<<< That was a funny sentence.)
  11. CrossFit? Swipe left.
  12. If she has bad teeth, swipe left. (If she doesn’t have her mouth open in any of her photos, there is no way to prove she even has teeth. Obviously swipe left.)
  13. If we have mutual friends, assess the situation. (But then probably swipe right to see if she did/does the same.)
  14. If we have mutual interests, refer to all preceding rules because literally nothing matters less than this. (Exception: Weezer — see Rule #6 in previous post.)

Another Tinder anecdote for you

I broke one of my own rules recently (Rule #21, if we’re keeping track²). I noticed that the girl actually had two photos with a horse — something that would normally have me scoffing and swiping any which way but right…


I’m going to end up with one of those girls who’s super in love with her horse, aren’t I?

However, this girl happened to be very attractive and quite skinny. Perhaps this is a weakness of mine.

To be continued…?


¹You know exactly what I mean.


Ways To Beat Me in “Never Have I Ever” Because of 2014

Besides being the first full year I’ve worked full-time, 2014 brought me a lot of new experiences. So here’s a summary of my year, through “Never Have I Ever”s that are no longer true*:

Never have I ever…

  1. gotten paid to build a snowman.
  2. jumped around in a room full of trampolines.
  3. been less than ten feet away from the Lombardi Trophy.
  4. enjoyed the halftime show more than the Super Bowl.
  5. been to Syracuse.
  6. communicated with an NFL player.
  7. been to Penn State.
  8. been grandparentless.
  9. done a sake bomb.
  10. gotten an MRI.
  11. been through physical therapy.
  12. taught a street musician how to play Weezer songs.


    I (left) teach a street musician (middle) Weezer’s “Jamie” in front of Madison Square Garden. I don’t know the guy on the right.

  13. actually finished a thing(?) of Chapstick.
  14. spent more than $15 on a pair of sunglasses.
  15. been plagiarized (and been aware of it).
  16. drank a beer at the Space Needle.


    Here’s the Space Needle Golden IPA in a special Space Needle cup.

  17. payed $4 for a single apple.
  18. written a pilot for a sitcom.
  19. been so completely emotionally torn by a film/book.

  1. negotiated the lease of an office/warehouse space.
  2. legitimately suggested time travel as an explanation for a plane’s disappearance.
  3. scheduled a radio advertising campaign.
  4. cross-dressed for Halloween.


    It was Halloween — I swear.

  5. eaten Thai food.
  6. donated money to disease research when I don’t personally know anyone who suffers from the disease.
  7. spontaneously bought a suit while on my lunch break.
  8. defended Taylor Swift against an entire office of females.Screen Shot 2014-12-29 at 6.35.31 PM
  9. been asked “How aren’t you famous yet?”
  10. eaten at Fiddleheads.
  11. listened to Weezer‘s entire music catalog.
  12. done shots of sake with my boss.
  13. been in my mid(?)-20s.  😦

*As always, I am open to any/all questions regarding every aspect of this list.

My Personal Guide to Tinder, Part 1

Obligatory introduction and customary rhetorical questioning

I recently re-downloaded the Tinder app after meeting my friend’s new girlfriend. He met her through Tinder — an app I deleted about a year ago after assuming it was just for random local hookups — and she happens to be a very nice girl. This threw me for a loop and forced me to reconsider this form of online dating as a potential solution to my perpetual loneliness.

Could Tinder really be a way of finding love? How could I be so wrong about something I refused to take seriously following my initial experimentation?


Maybe it’s time for me to swipe right on the concept of online dating. (Photo/gotinder.com)


For those who aren’t familiar with the app, Tinder is a mobile application that allows users to see profiles of fellow nearby users, and then either swipe left (to pass) or swipe right (to “like”). This first step of the Tinder process is essentially the Hot or Not concept, a binary system of judgment — we either like a person or we don’t.

Profiles consist of several items, including photos, age, distance from the user, and an About Me section with a 500-character limit. Tinder also allows users to see what common interests they have, as well as mutual friends (since the info is pulled from Facebook).

Here's a quick look at the matchmaking app's user interface. (Photo/gotinder.com)

Here’s a quick look at the matchmaking app’s user interface. (Photo/gotinder.com)

There was another major reason I originally deleted the Tinder app. Simply put, I didn’t feel comfortable judging people solely based on looks. I mean, I do it in real life — we all do — but it’s different when I’m actively judging someone aesthetically. At a bar (or wherever everybody meets people), I’m swiping left or right in my head. It’s more of a passive behavior. On Tinder, I’m outwardly expressing my distaste of someone’s appearance, and for some reason the rejection feels more personal. And frankly, that makes me feel bad about myself.

I don’t like feeling bad about myself, so I deleted the app. Perhaps this is why I’m single.

My personal Tinder guidelines

As I’ve started using the app again, I’ve established certain rules to ensure that I take it more seriously this time around. While some of these habits I’ve developed are designed to broaden my Tinder horizons, others are without a doubt designed to weed out specific types of girls. (I know: “Beggars can’t be choosers,” but I’m not taking what I can get if all I get is a night I won’t remember and a rash that won’t go away.)

Remember: Swipe left for NOPE, swipe right for LIKE.

  1. Swipe right for anybody named Chelsea.
  2. If it takes me more than two photos to figure out which girl she is, swipe left.
  3. If she has no photos of just her, swipe left.
  4. If there is any mention of EDM, Chipotle, or “friends with 420” in her About Me section, swipe left.
  5. If she quotes Marilyn Monroe in her About Me section, swipe left.
  6. If she likes Weezer, investigate further.
  7. If she looks younger than 18 years old but claims to be 22, think about it really hard before swiping left. (Read: swipe right.)
  8. Swipe right for attractive non-Caucasian girls because I am an equal opportunity Tinderer, eradicating racism one swipe at a time.
  9. If she isn’t the most attractive girl in the photo, swipe left. I don’t want any problems.
  10. If she’s throwing up the middle finger in a photo, swipe left.
  11. If she’s throwing up in a photo, period, swipe left.
  12. If she’s taking a bottle of alcohol to the face in a photo, swipe left.
  13. If all of the girl’s photos feature said girl in her underwear or swimwear, admire for a few moments and then swipe left. She’s clearly too advanced for me sexually. I can only assume that she’d be looking to get right down to business while I’d be asking her if she’s seen Gone Girl yet.
  14. If she includes her Instagram account information in her profile, assume nothing is off-limits. Swipe accordingly.
  15. If she looks like Taylor Swift, swipe right.
  16. If she’s 5’10 like T-Swift, swipe left. I’m not the type of guy to shy away from a girl who’s taller than me, but most tall girls don’t want to date shorter guys. I understand that, so I’m not going to waste anybody’s time — including mine.
  17. If all of her photos feature the same pose, swipe left because she’s probably a statue or mannequin and there is literally no evidence to refute that.

Suggestions for Tinder users

As a general rule, you should try to have a clear photo of your face in your first photo, then a full body shot somewhere, then any other cool photos that make you look good. This way, other people will get a good idea of what they’re dealing with. A lot of Tinder users — both girls and guys (I’ve been told) — have a deceptively attractive photo as their first picture. Then the rest of the photos make you wonder where the person in the first one went. Lighting and angles can be misleading. Don’t be one of the people who abuse this fact.

And here’s a Tinder anecdote for you…

I came across a girl on Tinder whose first photo contained two females. I found only one of the girls attractive, so I clicked her profile to see exactly whose profile it was. The second photo confirmed that it was, indeed, the “hot” one — a picture of her holding a baby. Immediately, I wondered: Is that baby hers?

So, I scrolled down to read her About Me section. Lo and behold:

Yes, the baby is mine. Single mama 💪

My first thought was, Well, I’m good with kids. Swipe right.

To be continued…?

Top 10 Weezer Lyrics

I’ve been listening to a lot of Weezer lately. I don’t know why I say “lately,” as if it’s not something I do basically all the time, but I do know that it’s something you should do, too. I’m not writing this post to argue over how much better the band’s first two albums are than all of its other stuff, and I’m certainly not looking to debate which of Weezer’s songs is the best. (Clearly it’s “El Scorcho.” Don’t know it? Keep reading…)

In anticipation of Weezer’s ninth studio album, Everything Will Be Alright In The End, I’ve decided to compile a list of the best (read: my favorite) Weezer lyrics.

***Astute Weezer fans may notice that all of these lyrics/songs are off of either Weezer (The Blue Album) or Pinkerton. There’s a reason for that (see above).***

10. Butterfly

If I’m a dog, then you’re a bitch.

Easily the weakest track on what might be my favorite album of all time, “Butterfly” features just as much emotion as the rest of Pinkerton. This simple and silly line proves that Rivers’ passion doesn’t take away from his wit in his songwriting.

9. Tragic Girl

You’re a tragic girl
You lead a tragic life
I’m just meant to be
Your latest tragedy

Released on the deluxe version of Pinkerton, this hidden gem was almost forgotten according to Weezerpedia (yes, that’s a real thing because why wouldn’t it be?).

8. Jamie

You’ve got the Beach Boys, and your firm’s got the Stones
But I know you won’t leave me alone

“Jamie” can be found on the deluxe version of The Blue Album, and it’s also a b-side to “Buddy Holly.” The first time I heard this track was on Weezer’s 2010 Memories Tour, during which the band played several b-sides, marking the first time Weezer had played “Jamie” live since 1996. The best part about this song is that it’s written for the band’s first lawyer.

7. You Won’t Get With Me Tonight

Chill out baby, stay with me for a while
But that don’t mean I’ll get with you tonight

Similar to a female’s perspective, just because a guy is nice and friendly toward a girl doesn’t mean there will be “hooking up.” Rivers knows and understands that.

6. Pink Triangle

If everyone’s a little queer
Oh, can’t she be a little straight?

Have you ever had a crush on a lesbian? Rivers Cuomo has, as evidenced by the lyrics of “Pink Triangle.” (Side note: I would like to see Taylor Swift write her own version of this song about Matt Bomer.)

5. El Scorcho

Why you wanna go and do me like that?
Come down on the street and dance with me

This is how I feel basically whenever I’m interacting with a girl I like. These lyrics outline a simple plea but are part of a longer, more in-depth examination of a struggle with romantic feelings. Oh, Rivers. WHO HURT YOU??

4. Only In Dreams

You say, ‘It’s a good thing
That you float in the air
That way there’s no way
I will crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces.’

“Only In Dreams” may very well be Weezer’s masterpiece. This Blue Album track, and these lines especially, perfectly display Rivers’ knack for writing lyrics that are oddly specific yet universally applicable.

3. Tired Of Sex

[Rivers screams]

Leading into the second verse of the song, this flawlessly-timed scream represents the level of emotion with which the entire Pinkerton album was written and performed. “Tired Of Sex” happens to be the first track on that album, which I can only assume was not a mistake.

2. El Scorcho

I’m a lot like you so please, hello, I’m here, I’m waiting
I think I’d be good for you and you’d be good for me

When you finally decide to talk to someone you like, what do you say? Do you confess your feelings? Do you wait for the other person to make a move? Or do you write songs about it and bury your head in the sand? Guess which one Rivers Cuomo does…

1. Undone (The Sweater Song)

I’m me
Me be
I am

It was truly difficult to decide what my favorite (in other words, the best) Weezer lyric would be on this list. I think these first lines of “The Sweater Song” got the edge because I’ve actually considered getting these words tattooed on my body. Simple yet deep.

So, if you haven’t heard any of these songs already, do yourself a favor and give each of them a listen. And when it’s time, be sure to do the same with Weezer’s newest album, EWBAITE, set to be released on October 7th.


25 Groundbreaking Movies

I’ve been on a kick lately, and I can’t seem to get this concept out of my head — this concept of the “low-hanging fruit.” Why go somewhere so many other people have gone when you can do just about anything else? Why try to mimic what everybody else is doing when you have the opportunity and ability to create something new?

Innovation is exciting. New products, new businesses, new ideas — they’re what makes the world go ’round. Stagnancy is horrifying, and we all know most ideas get stale rather quickly. So, I’ve compiled a list of twenty-five of the most revolutionary films I’ve seen to honor those writers, directors, and actors who dared to try something that had never been done before. Here is my list of 25 groundbreaking movies that flipped the script on me (in no particular order), proving that taking a shot and creating something can go a long way. [WARNING: Some spoilers ahead…]

1. Toy Story

Memorable quote: “Reach for the sky!”

Why it’s noteworthy: Toy Story was Pixar’s first feature length film, so “reaching for the sky” is exactly what these animators and filmmakers were doing leading up to its 1995 release. This film pioneered the Pixar movement, paving the way for movies like Up and WALL-E, the two best Pixar films. (I will argue to the death about this assertion.)

2. The Wizard of Oz

Memorable quote: “I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Released in 1939, The Wizard of Oz was not the first movie to be made in color (though, it is commonly mistaken as being such). However, this film is groundbreaking in the way it had basically everything: music, and color, and midgets — oh my!

3. Psycho

Memorable quote: “We all go a little mad sometimes.”

Why it’s noteworthy: With Psycho, Alfred Hitchcock revolutionized the horror genre. Usually, the suspense in a movie comes before a woman removes her clothes, but Hitchcock found a way to generate suspense after a female character was already naked. Talk about groundbreaking! Also, he kills off an important character like twenty minutes into the film, which was unheard of at the time.

4. Before Sunrise

Memorable quote: “Isn’t everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?”

Why it’s noteworthy: Everything Richard Linklater does makes me love him more. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy deliver phenomenal performances as the lead characters, and the best part about the super-long shots and heavy dialogue is that it makes the movie feel real. Plus, the entire trilogy is fucking delightful, especially Before Sunset, the second installment, which I personally enjoyed the most.

5. Boyhood

Memorable quote: “You don’t want the bumpers. Life doesn’t give you bumpers.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Linklater did it again with Boyhood, a movie that was literally shot with the same cast over the course of twelve years. “Normal” people don’t do that. And that’s why being “normal” is overrated.

6. Hocus Pocus

Memorable quote: “It’s a full moon tonight. That’s when all the weirdos are out.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Aside from this being the only Halloween movie I at least make an attempt to watch every year (because of nostalgia and stuff), Hocus Pocus remains the only film in which I’m kind-of-sort-of-maybe attracted to Sarah Jessica Parker.

7. the original Star Wars trilogy

Memorable quote: “The Force is strong with this one.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Chances are, if somebody hasn’t actually seen any of the Star Wars films, s/he has heard of them. George Lucas’ baby is widely considered the first film franchise to extend beyond the boundaries of the movie industry. The reason everybody has heard of Star Wars is because of all of the licensed merchandise and games and whatnot that stemmed from the books/films. Also, Han Solo and incest.

8. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Memorable quote: “Hold still. I’ve never done this before, and there will be blood.”

Why it’s noteworthy: To my knowledge, this is the only film in which you are actually rooting for a character as she is literally raping another character.

9. Avatar

Memorable quote: “I see you.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Blue people sex(?).

10. American Pie

Memorable quote: “I don’t want any of you boys thinking that you’re gonna score. You don’t score until you *score*!”

Why it’s noteworthy: American Pie is one of the most important movies of the 80s and 90s because it’s the only one about a bunch of high school kids trying to have sex. Also, Jason Biggs bangs a pie.

11. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

Memorable quote: “Ladies and gentlemen, that there is a naked woman!”

Why it’s noteworthy: The first Blair Witch is often recognized as an innovative film because of the way it employed “found footage” and earned its way to an unprecedented budget/box office ratio. I believe the second Blair Witch is just as important because it was the first time I saw a boob in theaters. (I have a really cool aunt who takes ten year olds to see R-rated horror movies.)

12. Reservoir Dogs

Memorable quote: “Shit… You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs is the only heist movie I can think of that doesn’t actually show the heist.

13. The Happening

Memorable quote: “It makes you kill yourself. Just when you thought there couldn’t be any more evil that can be invented.”

Why it’s noteworthy: I’ve seen this movie in its entirety and still have no idea what it’s about. I can’t say that about any other movies. Also, M. Night Shyamalan plot twist: it’s awful.

14. Just Go With It

Memorable quote: “Just go with it.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Every character just goes with it. This film has the most just-going-with-it I’ve ever seen in one movie.

15. 300

Memorable quote: “THIS IS SPARTA!”

Why it’s noteworthy: Without 300, it wouldn’t be cool to kick somebody into a giant hole while yelling something. So, there’s that.

16. 8 Mile

Memorable quote: “Yo, that ‘Leave it to Beaver’ line almost killed me.”

Why it’s noteworthy: It’s just nice to see a Caucasian from a poor area succeed and go on to make as much money as his African American counterpart for once.

17. Clockstoppers

Memorable quote: [something about a watch, probably]

Why it’s noteworthy: I don’t know if this movie is “groundbreaking,” per se, but I’ve never seen Jesse Bradford on a bicycle while time is slowed down in any other films.

18. Marley & Me

Memorable quote: “Sometimes life has a better idea.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Marley & Me is the only film guaranteed to make me cry every time I watch it. The sad part is, I don’t even cry when Marley gets put down — I cry happy tears when they move to Pennsylvania and see snow for the first time and play outside as a family. Groundbreaking filmmaking right there.

19. The Usual Suspects

Memorable quote: “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Aside from being one of my all-time favorite films, my first reaction to this movie was, “WHAAAAAATTTTTTT???”

20. Memento

Memorable quote: “I have this condition.”

Why it’s noteworthy: I give credit to the Nolan brothers for the nonlinear storytelling technique used in Memento. It’s a rather simple plot that’s made all the more intriguing by the main character’s “condition” and the reverse order of the scenes in the one storyline.

21. WALL-E

Memorable quote: “Eeeee… va?”

Why it’s noteworthy: As aforementioned, I believe WALL-E is the best Pixar film. Simply put, it’s an animated futuristic robot love story that ends up being more charming than a heavy majority of the Notebook-type movies out there. I went to see it with a group of 4th graders as a summer camp field trip, and the kids were much more excited than I was going into the film. However, on the bus ride back, the kids were disappointed and saying things like, “That movie sucked,” and I was defensively responding, “You shut your whore mouth about WALL-E!”

22. Saving Private Ryan

Memorable quote: “I just know that every man I kill, the farther away from home I feel.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Saving Private Ryan‘s opening scene is more than enough reason to put it on this list.

23. 2001: A Space Odyssey

Memorable quote: “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Why it’s noteworthy: If this Kubrick flick was released today, it would be considered strange. Imagine how weird it was back in 1968.

24. The Tree of Life

Memorable quote: “Tell us a story from before we can remember.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Speaking of weird, The Tree of Life takes the cake for experimental filmmaking.

25. Beginners

Memorable quote: “The chair is not gay, obviously.”

Why it’s noteworthy: Beginners is the best movie ever made — hands down, no doubt about it, all arguments against it are irrelevant. The end.

Check out some other movie lists I’ve compiled:

25 Inspirational Movies

25 Depressing Movies

10 Movies That Don’t Have Enough John Goodman


One way or another, writing about relationships has become somewhat of a calling for me. From getting one of my posts “published” on Thought Catalog to actually getting paid to give relationship advice on Lifehack to receiving an extremely kind shout-out from a popular singles life coach, I guess you can say I’m qualified (maybe?). I mean, she did say this:

Even at 23 he gets women better than most.”

Nicer and truer words have never been posted on the interwebs. Now, when I sit down to write, I very rarely want to write about relationships. But I do know that if I write about the subject and spit the truth, people will actually read it because they know I’m being real. I don’t know what it is, but people enjoy reading about love and relationships, and they even care about what I have to say. Surely, becoming some sort of “relationship guru” was never something I intended, but sometimes you just have to go with it. (Like in that movie.)

I’ve been told I’m “quite the catch” (source unconfirmed), so why is it that I’m more single than an individually-wrapped slice of Kraft American cheese (terrible joke aside)? Let’s solve this mystery together, shall we? From what I can surmise after countless long, lonely nights of self analysis, here are some of the top reasons believe I am single:

10. I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day…

The problem with this is that the single girls are the ones I should be going after. But because I find the people who complain about being single on Valentine’s Day so unbearable, it’s safe to say that every V-Day ends the same for me…

9. Online dating doesn’t work for me.

How about we... don't get arrested?

How about we… don’t get arrested?

I’ll just get this one out of the way now. Various people have told me, “Oh, you should try online dating! I have a buddy who met his wife that way. They have like 3 kids now.” Sure, while others might have success in the online dating world, I just don’t think I’m built for it. Part of me believes I’d be able to meet an amazing girl online, but the other part of me believes that first part is drunk and should go home.

8. Also, I’m just really bad at online dating.

This has happened on multiple occasions.

This has happened on multiple occasions.

I don’t know what it is, but I can’t seem to take online dating seriously. The concept of meeting somebody and communicating only through what is basically email until both parties deem each other in-person material because they’ve convinced each other they’re not murderers is just silly to me.

7. I’m confident but, at the same time, a bit self-conscious.

I think very highly of myself; I hold myself to a standard that is sometimes impossible to meet. Because of this, I tend to get a bit down on myself sometimes…

I also tend to place too much emphasis on things that aren’t important, ie. appearance. And in this case, I’m talking about my own appearance — both physical and virtual. What do I mean by virtual? I mean that I spend too much time crafting this “online persona,” and although there may be parts of the genuine me shining through this screen of social media accounts I’ve constructed, the screen does exist. And its sole purpose is to make people think I’m cool–


…to show people I’m cool. Yeah.

6. I’m too picky.

I do place a lot of emphasis on certain qualities of other people as well. Perhaps too much emphasis sometimes.

I have this tendency to say “I want” this and “I want” that…

But the truth is simple: I don’t know what the hell I want. Nobody knows what they want until they have it.

5. I can’t seem to throw the scent off the gay trail.

No matter what I do…

It just follows me everywhere I go…

4. I’m a bit of a skeptic.

When it comes to relationships, when it comes to love, when it comes to basically anything in life — I treat it all the same. Call me a pessimist, call me a cynic. I like to call myself a realist. And it’s not that I’m a negative person — I just think depressing things are funny. Which brings me to my next point…

3. Most girls don’t understand me.

Jared Text

I also have a, uh… unique relationship with my brother.

I can basically get along with anyone for a limited period of time, but if I’m going to truly be myself, I guess I’m sort of an acquired taste. I think a lot of things are funny when others don’t seem to agree. I make jokes at — let’s call them — “inappropriate” times, usually to lighten the mood or at least get somebody to crack a smile during a tense moment. Since I joke around so much, it’s difficult for people to know when to take me seriously.

2. Maybe I want to be single?

Perhaps this is only true for me, but I don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I want it to mean something. I want it to be with somebody I actually care about. I know plenty of people who feel like they constantly need to be in some type of relationship because they are afraid of being alone. All that means is these people are afraid of being left alone with themselves. Their true fear is having the time to think introspectively and learning about their true selves. What if they don’t like the person they get to know?

1. Clearly, I think too much.

And that’s obvious.*


*Read like Chris D’Elia. If you don’t know who that is or don’t understand the joke, that’s fine. Please refer to point #3.

10 Movies That Don’t Have Enough John Goodman

We all need a little John Goodman every now and again. The only thing better than a little John Goodman is a lot of John Goodman. The man is an extremely talented actor, and frankly, a living legend in the entertainment business. He never fails to paint smiles on every audience member’s face in the movie theater, which is why I will go as far as to call him an artist. Also, he kills it whenever he makes a television appearance (whether it be as a recurring character or guest star); case in point: Roseanne.

So, to honor a man who is always honest with his acting and his interviews, I’ve compiled a list of ten movies that just don’t seem to contain enough John Goodman in them. [WARNING: Some spoilers ahead…]


1. Coyote Ugly

Explanation: In a movie Mr. Goodman admittedly did solely “for the money,” one would expect more of the likable father and less of the annoying, singing protagonist daughter who is kind of hot.

via angelfire.com

via angelfire.com

2. The Borrowers

Explanation: In a movie about little people (like, not midgets — actual tiny persons), John Goodman plays the “evil” real estate developer who wants to destroy the house in which they reside. If anything, Goodman is the hero in this film because these tiny people are basically just glorified rats and “borrowing” is just a PG-term for stealing.

Side noteI do enjoy the way John Goodman is both figuratively and literally a giant to these rodents. He truly is larger than life, isn’t he?


3. The Artist

Explanation: The Artist won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 2011 (we can only assume because of Goodman’s performance), yet it still feels like something’s missing from the film. My best guess is John Goodman.


4. The Flintstones

Explanation: I know — “But didn’t John Goodman play Fred Flintstone, the lead role??” Yabba-dabba-DON’T be so naive. The time the film wasted trying to convince the audience Rosie O’Donnell would be married to a man could have been spent better developing Fred and Barney’s friendship.

Side note: I understand that Rosie didn’t come out until 2002, but it doesn’t make her lack of chemistry with Rick Moranis any less obvious.

via splitsider.com

via splitsider.com

5. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Explanation: Besides the fact that John Goodman is almost always both of the things mentioned in the title, how could a movie about 9/11 not include more of such an American hero? The Golden Globe-winning actor was instead reduced to the role of a doorman. Smh.


6. The Departed

Explanation: Okay, I know John Goodman wasn’t technically “in” The Departed to begin with, but I think everyone would agree that there could be more of him in it.


7. Flight



8. Argo

Explanation: Like The ArtistArgo won the Oscar for Best Picture in 2012 (again, we can only assume because of Goodman’s character). In fact, John Goodman is one of a very limited number of actors who have appeared in Best Picture winners in consecutive years. While rare, this accomplishment isn’t completely unbelievable because he was in basically every movie released from 2011-2013.

That being said, you can “Argo-fuck-yourself” if you think there was enough John Goodman in this otherwise wonderful film. Oscar-worthy, I’m sure, but it also deserves to be on this list.


9. The Big Lebowski

Explanation: John Goodman’s Walter Sobchak may be one of the best characters in the history of film, and The Big Lebowski is a fantastic movie. It’s like really really really good, man. But just because it’s GOOD doesn’t mean it couldn’t use a little more GOOD, MAN. GOODMAN. [Further explanation: “GOOD, MAN” → drop the comma → “GOOD MAN” → delete the space → “GOODMAN.”]

via movieforums.com

via movieforums.com


10. literally every movie ever

Explanation: If there is anything we can learn from this discussion, my hope is that we all view movies a bit differently now. And if we’re ever watching a movie and we wonder: “Is there enough John Goodman in this…?”

The answer, in all likelihood, is no.

For Your Consideration

How do we know whether or not there is enough John Goodman in a movie?

The formula is a bit complex:

JG formula

This foolproof formula will help you calculate the value of the variable x, which will reveal whether or not there is enough John Goodman in the film. The closer the value of x is to 1, the closer the film is to having enough John Goodman. Or, as a shortcut, you can use this much simpler formula: