The Lies — WHEN WILL THEY STOP???

A few of my coworkers laughed at me when I told them I’ve never cheated on a girl and have never been cheated on before. They thought I was joking. It came as a shock to them that in a world inundated with infidelity and disloyalty, I’ve managed to avoid the drama that seems to plague a majority of my generation. In a time period when “hookup” culture appears to have completely replaced the classic idea of romance, I’ve realized that my inexperience with unfaithfulness might actually put me in the minority.

That’s a good thing, I guess… For me, at least.

But why does cheating seem so much more common today than it was back when my parents were growing up? The most obvious place to look is all of the technology we now enjoy that seemed like merely a pipe dream several decades ago. While all of these technological advancements help us stay in touch with one another, they can also be detrimental to the idea of romantic relationships all together. Modern technology makes it much easier to maintain a long-distance relationship, but it also makes it a hell of a lot easier to find that horny, newly-single chick within a five-mile radius who’s “down for anything.”

Like all things in life, technology has both its pros and cons. One of the major negatives just happens to be the temptation and ease it provides for people looking to make like a tree and branch out from their relationships. However, while technology makes it very easy to meet someone new or find someone else and sneak around, it also makes it extremely easy to get caught/catch our cheating partners in the act. Now, a lot of people are — for lack of a better term — pretty dumb. So, combine this general incompetence with a relentless sex drive and a smartphone, and we’ve got ourselves a cheater asking to be caught red-handed. This idea holds true for emotional cheating as well (especially if partners know each other’s cellphone and email passwords).

I’m not sure if this only became commonplace in the last decade or so, but I know that some individuals even use cheating to as a way out of their relationships. In other words, a person may physically cheat on his/her significant other to catalyze the end of their relationship — consciously or unconsciously causing the partner to break up with said individual, or at least leading to a talk resulting in a “mutual” breakup. I’m sure not everybody who cheats does it for this specific reason, but I have no respect for individuals who use infidelity to avoid having legitimate, honest conversations with people who care about them. (I have very little respect for people who cheat to begin with.)

But maybe I’m asking the wrong question here. Is cheating actually more common today? Perhaps cheating was just as common when my parents were growing up, and nowadays people just get caught more often.

This, again, can be attributed to the vast discrepancy in available technology between the two generations. Assuming people still found ways to cheat on their significant others back in the 70s and 80s, the absence of cellphones and social media made it a little more difficult to discover their unfaithfulness. And maybe a lot of these significant others didn’t even want to know about their partners’ misdeeds. After all, victims of infidelity in 2014 don’t always have the option of looking the other way — it’s sort of difficult not to catch a significant other who is cheating when people post everything they do onto Facebook and Twitter. So, maybe (and hopefully) my generation doesn’t lack the morals of my parents’ generation; maybe my parents’ generation simply lacked the technology we have today.

The aspect of this entire problem that worries me most is a matter of discretion. Does my generation care? Is the higher prominence of infidelity simply because of the technological revolution we’re living in, or is it a direct result of our lack of commitment to anything?

According to Forbes, sixty-percent of millennials change jobs every three years, and many Baby Boomers and Gen X-ers consider this statistic a major red flag when hiring. Similarly, if somebody has cheated on a significant other in the past, how can we be sure this person won’t do the same to us? (“Once a cheater, always a cheater.”) This is why I am so confused when Guy 1 cheats on Girl 1 for months with Girl 2 and then leaves Girl 1 for Girl 2, and Girl 2 is dumbfounded when it happens all over again and she catches him with Girl 3.

Though I don’t have any firsthand experience with any of this and consequently may not understand the concept of cheating all together, I can say with conviction that I care.

And when I say “I’ve never cheated on a girl and have never been cheated on,” I mean I’ve never cheated on a girl and have never been cheated on to my knowledge. As far as I know — again, all we “know” is what we think we know — every girl I’ve dated has remained faithful. And as much as I’d love to contact each girl and confirm this presumption, I’d rather keep in tact this illusion that I’m immune to the same disease that’s been the ruination of so many of my peers’ relationships. I guess the fact that I’d rather not know with 100% certainty helps demonstrate the notion that cheating can be prevalent without being conspicuous, and therefore we can’t necessarily assume it is more common today than it was several decades ago.

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#SingleBecause

One way or another, writing about relationships has become somewhat of a calling for me. From getting one of my posts “published” on Thought Catalog to actually getting paid to give relationship advice on Lifehack to receiving an extremely kind shout-out from a popular singles life coach, I guess you can say I’m qualified (maybe?). I mean, she did say this:

Even at 23 he gets women better than most.”

Nicer and truer words have never been posted on the interwebs. Now, when I sit down to write, I very rarely want to write about relationships. But I do know that if I write about the subject and spit the truth, people will actually read it because they know I’m being real. I don’t know what it is, but people enjoy reading about love and relationships, and they even care about what I have to say. Surely, becoming some sort of “relationship guru” was never something I intended, but sometimes you just have to go with it. (Like in that movie.)

I’ve been told I’m “quite the catch” (source unconfirmed), so why is it that I’m more single than an individually-wrapped slice of Kraft American cheese (terrible joke aside)? Let’s solve this mystery together, shall we? From what I can surmise after countless long, lonely nights of self analysis, here are some of the top reasons believe I am single:

10. I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day…

The problem with this is that the single girls are the ones I should be going after. But because I find the people who complain about being single on Valentine’s Day so unbearable, it’s safe to say that every V-Day ends the same for me…

9. Online dating doesn’t work for me.

How about we... don't get arrested?

How about we… don’t get arrested?

I’ll just get this one out of the way now. Various people have told me, “Oh, you should try online dating! I have a buddy who met his wife that way. They have like 3 kids now.” Sure, while others might have success in the online dating world, I just don’t think I’m built for it. Part of me believes I’d be able to meet an amazing girl online, but the other part of me believes that first part is drunk and should go home.

8. Also, I’m just really bad at online dating.

This has happened on multiple occasions.

This has happened on multiple occasions.

I don’t know what it is, but I can’t seem to take online dating seriously. The concept of meeting somebody and communicating only through what is basically email until both parties deem each other in-person material because they’ve convinced each other they’re not murderers is just silly to me.

7. I’m confident but, at the same time, a bit self-conscious.

I think very highly of myself; I hold myself to a standard that is sometimes impossible to meet. Because of this, I tend to get a bit down on myself sometimes…

I also tend to place too much emphasis on things that aren’t important, ie. appearance. And in this case, I’m talking about my own appearance — both physical and virtual. What do I mean by virtual? I mean that I spend too much time crafting this “online persona,” and although there may be parts of the genuine me shining through this screen of social media accounts I’ve constructed, the screen does exist. And its sole purpose is to make people think I’m cool–

…er…

…to show people I’m cool. Yeah.

6. I’m too picky.

I do place a lot of emphasis on certain qualities of other people as well. Perhaps too much emphasis sometimes.

I have this tendency to say “I want” this and “I want” that…

But the truth is simple: I don’t know what the hell I want. Nobody knows what they want until they have it.

5. I can’t seem to throw the scent off the gay trail.

No matter what I do…

It just follows me everywhere I go…

4. I’m a bit of a skeptic.

When it comes to relationships, when it comes to love, when it comes to basically anything in life — I treat it all the same. Call me a pessimist, call me a cynic. I like to call myself a realist. And it’s not that I’m a negative person — I just think depressing things are funny. Which brings me to my next point…

3. Most girls don’t understand me.

Jared Text

I also have a, uh… unique relationship with my brother.

I can basically get along with anyone for a limited period of time, but if I’m going to truly be myself, I guess I’m sort of an acquired taste. I think a lot of things are funny when others don’t seem to agree. I make jokes at — let’s call them — “inappropriate” times, usually to lighten the mood or at least get somebody to crack a smile during a tense moment. Since I joke around so much, it’s difficult for people to know when to take me seriously.

2. Maybe I want to be single?

Perhaps this is only true for me, but I don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I want it to mean something. I want it to be with somebody I actually care about. I know plenty of people who feel like they constantly need to be in some type of relationship because they are afraid of being alone. All that means is these people are afraid of being left alone with themselves. Their true fear is having the time to think introspectively and learning about their true selves. What if they don’t like the person they get to know?

1. Clearly, I think too much.

And that’s obvious.*

 

*Read like Chris D’Elia. If you don’t know who that is or don’t understand the joke, that’s fine. Please refer to point #3.

An Open Letter to the Ladies

Dear ladies,

Hi, my name’s Ryan. What’s going on? I’m 23, employed, and 100% mentally stable. (<– I also like to play “Two Truths and a Lie,” so have fun figuring that one out.) I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m difficult to read, so I just want to clear some things up for you guys.

A lot of people — men and women — have commitment issues. I wouldn’t exactly say that’s what is going on with me, but it’s a possibility. Nobody likes to jump into anything without having an idea of how they’re going to get out. Personally, I always like to have an escape plan before entering any situation. It’s a terrible way to live, I’m sure, but sometimes it’s what I have to do to feel comfortable.

Occasionally, these “commitment issues” stem from intimacy problems. I’ll go on record and say that is not the case with me because I love to talk about myself. Very often, men will hesitate with emotional and spiritual intimacy, whereas women will hesitate to advance the physical aspect of a relationship.

I’m writing this letter to let everybody know that there are just certain things I won’t do until I feel comfortable with someone. Now, it varies on a person-to-person basis; so it might be a few dates, a few months, or even a year before I succumb to the pressure. I know women have needs. I know many women think about it more than men do. I know you talk about it with your friends and are never completely satisfied without it.

But just so you know, I absolutely refuse to use emojis until I feel like I can trust you. Until I’m totally comfortable with you and know you won’t go parading my emoji usage around to your friends or on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, don’t expect any happy faces, kissy faces, winky faces, or even those little smiley piles of poop.

I’m not that easy. Yeah, there might be stories going around about how it only took me a few weeks with the last girl I was seeing. Yeah, I know you use emojis with me all the time. And yeah, I know I use periods to end most of my texts and you always think I’m mad at you or something.

But there are just some things I’m not comfortable with… And using emojis is one of them.

So don’t mistake my lack of emojion for unhappiness or lack of interest. If I’m not interested or if I don’t like you, I’ll let you know about it. Also, don’t let my intimacy issue get in the way of our physical relationship. Believe me, I would still very much like to express my feelings for you through physical, x-rated activity — just don’t expect a 👍  text afterward.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I hope you have a better understanding of where I’m coming from. Also, there are plenty of other things you won’t be able to pinpoint about me, so I figured I’d throw you a bone.

Stay beautiful,

Ryan

Ways To Beat Me in “Never Have I Ever…” Because of 2013

With 2014 approaching, I found myself scrambling to identify the highlights of this past year. While I had some trouble at first, I realized that 2013 was a year of big changes for me. But amidst all of this progress and change, there is nothing to worry about — I’m still me. I’m just more well-traveled and a little bit more experienced in the falling-out-of-the-sky department. So here’s a summary of my year, through “Never Have I Ever”s that are no longer true*:

Never have I ever…

  1. been grandfatherless.
  2. had an Instagram account dedicated to my dog and newspaper headlines.
  3. run a 5k.
  4. been *this close* to packing up my things and driving out to California.
  5. quit JCPenney.
  6. (I’m too lazy to try to phrase this in “Never Have I Ever…”-talk, but Emma Roberts read my letter.)
  7. gone ziplining.
  8. been the target of an all-out bird shit holocaust.
  9. been paid to write about costumes and cupcakes.
  10. had poison ivy.
  11. watched an entire season of a television show in one day.
  12. attended an amateur wrestling event.
  13. been part of a chicken beheading.
  14. single-handedly tried to take down the terrorist group known as “BuzzFeed.”
  15. JUMPED OUT OF A FUCKING PLANE.
  16. rocked out with Rob Thomas.
  17. been paid to write literally anything.
  18. feared that I was a sellout.
  19. witnessed a caterpillar climb up a wall and get eaten by a spider.
  20. seen Dave Chappelle live.
  21. looked for a midget to love me via online dating.
  22. obtained a “big boy” job.
  23. gotten paid to tweet.
  24. been to Minnesota.
  25. stepped foot inside the single most incredible establishment in the United States (the Mall of America).
  26. eaten a “Juicy Lucy.”
  27. actually thought about being a parent.
  28. had this written about me: “Even at 23 he gets women better than most.”
  29. tried to learn how to play the piano.
  30. been brought to tears by a five-year-old kid dressed as Batman.
  31. hand-written a letter to a friend who wasn’t a “pen pal.”
  32. hated lists but just said “fuck it” and wrote them anyway (for free).
  33. modeled scarves.
  34. gotten herpes.
  35. physically wanted to harm an animal.
  36. owned socks with capes on them (trust me; they’re cool).
  37. truly enjoyed my job.

*As always, I am open to any/all questions regarding every aspect of this list.

Hope, Miles Away

I was wrong. I’ll say that again to let it sink in for people who know me. I was wrong. In a post I wrote awhile back, I stated that superheroes aren’t real. Well, they are. There may not be web-slingers swinging around New York City arresting burglars, and there may not be superhuman gods from other planets saving the world on a daily basis, but I assure you we are in good hands.

Yesterday, a five-year-old boy dressed as Batman “saved” San Francisco as part of an elaborate Make-A-Wish spectacle. I began following this event early in the day when I saw the hashtag “#SFBatkid” on Twitter. I quickly researched what it was all about, and I learned that the Greater Bay Area chapter of the Make-A-Wish Foundation had organized a day-long adventure for a five-year old boy named Miles, who had finished a round of treatment for his leukemia in June and is now in remission.

The boy’s wish was simple, albeit allegorical in its nature. He wished to be Batman, or “Batkid” in this case. The people at Make-A-Wish deserve all of the credit in the world for turning a child’s wish into a reality, especially considering the scale at which it was organized and promoted. Reports stated that over 11,000 people volunteered to turn San Francisco into Gotham City for the day, providing Miles with an opportunity to rescue a damsel in distress, stop a bank robbery, and save the San Francisco Giants’ mascot from the Penguin’s captivity.

Thousands of people gathered on the streets to witness this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and to support this brave little boy. Some people were there to take photographs; others were there to be a part of something extraordinary. Regardless of why people showed up or why people volunteered to help, the truth is that a five-year-old kid dressed as a superhero provided us with more hope than any comic book, movie, or actor could possibly provide.

And what happened next was amazing. The boy took off his mask and we realized that he doesn’t need a costume to be a superhero. Superheroes are often viewed as being more than human — possessing superpowers or abilities that the average person could only dream of. But maybe Miles is a superhero because he’s human, because he dreams. If anything, it takes more courage to fight crime, adversity, and cancer without superpowers and high tech gadgets.

Most superheroes aren’t considered “super” because they keep cities safe and rescue women from dark alleys. What makes them “super” is the hope they instill in everyone. The hope that somebody has our backs. The hope that good will overpower evil. The hope that drives us to fight through whatever may be holding us back and become super ourselves. We could use some more heroes like that.

Yesterday proved that the imaginative people at Make-A-Wish, the thousands of dedicated volunteers, and courageous children like Miles are the heroes we deserve — and certainly the ones we need right now.

I probably would've wished for something lame like that Lambo or a private Weezer jam session.

I probably would’ve wished for something lame like that Lambo or a private Weezer jam session.

via AP

My Sit-Down Comedy Set, With the Help of Twitter (Part 2)

[Walk out onto stage like a boss, but carry myself as if I’m kind of nervous because confidence is often viewed as arrogance and I don’t want to start this set off with people thinking I’m a douche. Grab the microphone.]

How’s everybody doing tonight? [Pause for cheers.] Yes, yes. Thank you. I can’t believe this many of you decided to come back for more. This is only my second comedy set, so I appreciate the love. I’m gonna be honest with you: making people laugh is one of my favorite things to do.

I’m just so god damn lazy sometimes.

Do I need a haircut? Yeah I probably should get a haircut… Ah, what’s one more week?

Do I need to do laundry? Yeah I probably should do laundry… Ah, what’s one more week?

Do I need to pick up Plan B for my girlfriend? Yeah I probably should pick up that Plan B…

Do I work out? Yes, of course I work out. I work out the number of episodes of Arrested Development I can watch on Netflix before I go to bed.

[pause for laughter]

I don’t even have a girlfriend. That’s the slightly depressing ending to that joke. I would enjoy the company of a girlfriend. It’s not like I’m not looking for a girlfriend. I’m open to meeting new people; it’s just that most people suck. My problem is that when I meet a new girl, the situation can progress in one of two ways: Either she doesn’t appreciate who I am and isn’t interested, or she’s really interested and I don’t care about anything she has to say.

You know what I’m saying? I don’t want her to be gullible, but oblivious enough to at least think I’m cool.

Another problem I run into is that the girls who think I’m cool end up being younger or extremely immature. I don’t mind a girl being younger than me (believe me: I definitely don’t mind a girl being younger than me), but immaturity is something I can’t deal with.

That’s my perfect girl right there. The best of both worlds – looks young but acts old. That’s basically how I am, so why can’t I find this woman of my dreams? Is she out there? She better not be just a fantasy. I mean…

That’s ridiculous. Oh, be patient, Ryan. You’ll find somebody sooner or later. Yeah, and when I find her, I have to keep being patient. How do you expect me to put up with someone for the rest of my life when I can barely put up with a girl for five minutes at a time?

I don’t want to get old, man. Sometimes, aging can be a beautiful thing. You get wiser, and sometimes you even get better looking… And then there are women.

[Reach for water bottle. Fade out to audience clapping.]

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

[Fade in from audience clapping.]

Nah, that’s a joke. I would never hit a woman. I would hit a child or a dog or whatever, though. [Chuckle.] Okay, I’m kidding… I would hit a woman. [Look directly at attractive woman in front row.] Don’t you worry, Kelly. I wouldn’t ever touch you like that.

Is her name Kelly? I don’t know; I just had a gut feeling and I went with it.

She’s my “Kelly Bean” because that sounds like “jelly bean” and jelly beans are delicious. Come on, look at her! [Camera focuses on “Kelly,” who is blushing and laughing hysterically at the same time.]

I’m a nice guy, though – I swear. Otherwise, how would I know so much about female rejection?

Or should I not be doing that? Am I doing something wrong? GIVE ME ANSWERS.

Being this cynical at the age of 22 is not exactly socially acceptable. I’m supposed to be young and motivated to succeed because I have my whole life ahead of me.

The way I look at strangers is the way actors look at Daniel Day-Lewis when he beats them at the Oscars. What, I have to fake a smile just because it’s “nice” to see other people happy?

Life is just a lot easier when you don’t care about things. My goal at any given moment is to make people think I care, but in reality I don’t care about anything. Does that make me a liar? Yeah, probably. But so be it. Sometimes, you have to lie to be happy.

That probably makes me a bad person because it’s like a double lie. I’m going out of my way to tell people that I’m being honest and then I lie straight to their faces. But that doesn’t make me feel bad. I feel much worse when I lie to myself. Like, what am I doing with my free time right now?

But that’s the truth, man. Sometimes, you have to lie to yourself to be happy, too.

Now, I’m not the type of person who necessarily likes lying to himself, so I’ll admit that I often don’t know when to shut up. Or better yet…

In this case, I turned that sentence into an entire set(/blog post).

Thank you guys for your undivided attention tonight, except for that drunk chick in the fourth row who was playing Fall Down on her phone the entire time. Goodnight!

[Walk away from mic while waving to audience. Take a bow. Realize bows are weird. Wave a little more. Turn around and disappear into the curtains like a mother-effing ninja.]

On Being Present

Why does my phone have to die for me to live? In a world in which we are more connected than ever through technology, it seems as if our advances are becoming counterproductive. True connection lies in the way we interact with each other – with people we know, people we just met, and people we’ll never see again.

This past weekend, I attended the Firefly Music Festival in Delaware with a bunch of friends. To the narrow minded, the words “music” and “festival” together mean shitty music, shitty beer, drugs, filth, and a lot of sweaty people rubbing up against each other.

Now, while all of those things are certainly a part of Firefly, our beloved music festival represents many other things to us as a group. A weekend away, dreading my inevitable return to the “real world” made me realize that I was in the real world. What I lacked in hygiene, I made up for in consciousness.

Firefly is not just an excuse to get drunk and not shower for three days. It’s freedom. It’s a sense of community. It’s getting in touch with nature. Learning about the real you. And, perhaps most importantly, connecting with other people.

At festivals like Firefly, we learn so many things about others: what they like to drink, how they dance, what songs they enjoy, how many hot dogs they can eat in one sitting. We meet countless people we will probably never come across again in our lives, and they become our friends for the weekend, the day, or sometimes just the next few songs.

Last year, we befriended our neighbors staying at the campsite next to ours. Our grill wasn’t functioning properly the first day, so we asked if we could borrow theirs. This led to us cooking together, enjoying meals, playing beer pong, and starting a slip-n-slide party that truly got out of control.

This year, I met a girl from Texas and talked to her for about twenty minutes, learning about what she wants to do when she finishes college and how she wants to impact the world. I doubt I’ll ever see her again. I also danced and sang along with another girl for an entire set, only to be shot down when I was about to make a move. (She had a boyfriend. Nice girl, though.)

The beauty of camping without electricity for three days is that my phone remained dead for a majority of the weekend. So, instead of living behind a screen, I enjoyed the privilege of living in the moment. People should do that more often, huh?

A friend and I went to go see Cake perform last year at Firefly, and the band’s lead singer, John McCrea, addressed the crowd during the set. He urged that the crowd put away their cellphones and cameras and enjoy the moment. He said something to the effect of: “We will all never be here again in this moment, together. So, I encourage you to be present. Right here, right now.” Posting a video or tweeting or updating a status wasn’t as important as the show we were experiencing at that very point in time. Nothing was.

All experiences are like that, though. We will never be in the same exact location with the same exact people doing the same exact thing ever again. So, why do so many of us choose to live behind screens? Why can’t we appreciate experiences for what they are?

I understand that people want to have photographs and videos to capture certain moments. But if we are at a party and the only thing people are doing is taking pictures, what will these individuals say when they look at their phones and cameras in the morning? “Oh god, what did we do last night?” (HINT: The answer is “nothing” because all they were doing was posing for pictures.)

People always tell us to live for the moment (sort of like “Don’t think. Just do.“), but many fall into the trap of living for the memory of the moment. They fear that they won’t remember the important aspects of certain experiences, so they attempt to document every little detail, in turn missing out on the intrinsic value of the experience.

I mean, I would love to remember everything significant I experience, but if I need to worry about remembering it, maybe it’s not so significant to me in the first place. For example, I haven’t the slightest clue as to what the girl from Texas’ name was, nor her major, nor her aspirations. I just know that she told me those things, and I listened.

I wasn’t concerned with the future. I didn’t try to get her number or “Facebook” her or anything. I appreciated the encounter for what it was, and then moved on. (In other words, I went to urinate and she was gone when I got back to where we were standing. Nice girl, though.)

What makes an experience important is that we experience it. It is something so incredibly significant to our growth as people, and it happens to be something entirely intangible. No matter how many pictures or videos we take, we will never be able to capture the experience we gained from being in any specific situation. So, we shouldn’t be living for the moment. We should be living in it.

My Courtship of Emma Roberts

As many know, I wrote a letter to Emma Roberts last March. The letter was mostly a joke, but I still wanted her to read it because I would’ve loved to have known what she thought about it. I’ve compiled a list of tweets I’ve sent to her since I wrote the letter, and sadly, this is the abridged version. Go figure that the one she would read and retweet would be one of the only sincere ones…

Suddenly, my cries no longer fell on deaf ears.

Suddenly, my cries no longer fell on deaf ears.

My Employment at JCPenney, Through Tweets

The 10 Worst Facebook Friends

There are tons of lists like this floating around on the Interwebs, but I wanted to point out a few types of people that those other lists fail to mention. (Not to say there won’t be any overlap here.) Many people don’t realize that while Facebook does ask you “How are you feeling” or “What’s on your mind,” nobody actually gives a shit.

10. Obsessive music promoters

If there is an amazing new song that nobody knows about, share it. If it’s a song you wrote/recorded yourself, I’d love to hear it. Otherwise, I really don’t care. I’m mostly talking about house music fans here, but it includes the Fall Out Boy page that I recently unfollowed. We get it, Fall Out Boy. You guys have a new song out, and it’s awful.

-“Yooo, Avicii KILLED it with this new track.”

-“New Afrojack track gunna drop 2day… doooooooooope city.”

9. Parents/grandparents

Parents/grandparents tend to carry over Facebook conversations into everyday conversations. They are the first ones to tell younger people that “Facebook isn’t real life,” but they are the only ones who act like it is. Sometimes, they “like” everything you post; other times they comment inappropriately on posts you wish they hadn’t. And in some cases, they even contact your friends and exes. My grandfather was famous for this. (Doesn’t make it any less hilarious, though.)

8. Irrelevant song lyricists

This is the type of person who posts the lyrics to whatever song is stuck in his/her head, regardless of the circumstances. This is the type of person who posts the lyrics to “Yellow Submarine” but is petrified of water and colorblind. This is the type of person who is obviously in love with somebody but is afraid of saying anything facetime-to-facetime (or snapchat-to-snapchat, because God forbid we should engage in actual conversation – just kidding, God doesn’t exist – but for real). So, they post a few lines to a song that makes their hearts hurt to convey how they’re feeling in the hopes that the aforementioned somebody will read it. They usually don’t.

7. Political/religious ranters

Facebook is not the place to force your beliefs onto others. Everybody is entitled to their own opinions, but that doesn’t mean we have to share them with the world. Especially if they are ill-informed and downright idiotic. Embarking on a political dialogue via Facebook can turn into a never-ending bullshit war, because people are capable of saying anything when they are behind a computer screen.

If I wanted to read a Bible verse, I’d read the Bible or go to church. (Or ask my ordained brother to recite one.) If I wanted to know how you feel about Obama or gun control or the “homosexual agenda,” I’d send you a Facebook message and say:

“Hi, I know we haven’t spoken in awhile, but I would love to know how you feel about Obama, the Second Amendment, and gays.

Thanks,

Your pal Ryan”

Social commentary is one thing, but it’s never a good idea to get involved in political/religious debates with Internet folk. Remember, this is coming from someone who said one thing about Zach Braff and got called a “talentless twat.”

Also, stop sharing conspiracy theory videos because most of them are ridiculous. If you don’t think the Sandy Hook shooting happened, you’re a fucking idiot. (Boy, am I going to feel stupid if we find out it was a hoax.)

6. Play-by-play commentators

This applies to sporting events as well as television shows. If I care about the outcome of a game, chances are that I’m watching it or checking the score from my phone. If it’s a hockey game, there is no such chance. And if you’re a fan, don’t just be a fan when your team wins. Be a real fan.

Similarly, if I wanted to know what happened on the latest episode of PLL, I would watch it. Also, don’t tell me who does/doesn’t get a rose on the most recent episode of The Bachelor because I haven’t seen it yet. Just kidding – I don’t watch those dumb ass shows.

And now that LOST is off the air, I don’t have to worry about plot details being spoiled via Facebook/Twitter. Mostly because Breaking Bad fans are smart enough not to post “OMG Gus!!! #boom.”

5. Inside-jokers

Whatever happened to texting? (Never thought I’d hear/say/read/type that.) If you want to say something to your friends – something that only they will understand – just text them. There is no need to post it publicly on the Internet. By doing this, you leave yourself open to ridicule, creepers, and the aforementioned inappropriate comments by parents/grandparents.

I understand that everyone has inside jokes, and I understand that if you don’t get the reference, you probably won’t appreciate the joke. But maybe the joke isn’t actually funny sometimes.

-“We’re just a couple of pigs in a blanket!! lolz – with Kim Kimberly”

-“Burped and my dad just looked at me – with Jamye WithAY”

-“We all live in a… gray submarine? – with George H., Paul M., and John L.”

-“Whoops! Always forget Ringo!! – with Ringo S.”

4.  Girls with military boyfriends

This is not a knock on everyone who dates somebody in the armed forces, nor is it a knock on the armed forces. I have great respect for anybody who puts his/her life in harms way for our country, and I also admire the strength it takes for a significant other to remain loyal and, hopefully, faithful. It’s just that Dear John was a movie. Actually, first it was a book – but you get the point.

If all you’re going to do is post statuses about how you miss your “boo” while he’s overseas, get a new boyfriend. If you love him, awesome. But if you’re just staying with him because you think it makes you a better person, then you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. I’d like to establish a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy for this sort of thing. Nobody asked about your relationship, so don’t tell Facebook about it.

3. Girls who can do better

Seriously, that guy? You’re beautiful. Don’t sell yourself short. Actually, don’t sell yourself at all. Is it because he has money? Is that it? Whatever. If you’re that shallow, maybe you deserve him. But when you guys break up, think about who’s been there for you this whole time – liking all of your mobile uploads, profile pictures, and Googling the lyrics of the stupid Mayday Parade songs you include in your status updates.

2. Attention-seekers

If you feed into this nonsense, the terrorists win.

-Selfies with captions such as: “Like the picture, not the link!”

-Before/after workout pictures.

-Girls who think they’re models. (Also, that “skinny arm” pose most girls do.)

-Obscure statuses to make people think you’re suicidal and force them to comment: “U ok?”

-Guys/girls who go out of their way to put themselves down, fishing for compliments.

1. Me

I’m guilty of almost all of these. Sorry. (Although, it wouldn’t kill you to share some of my blogs/videos if you enjoy them.)

-“Read my blog!”

-“Aren’t I funny?!?!”

-“Here’s a picture of my cousin/dog, so ex/next-girlfriends will remember/know how good I am with kids/animals!”

-“I play it off like I don’t care, but I do!”

-“But for real, I don’t!”

*I never actually use exclamation points, but you should really pay attention to the subtext.