Ways To Beat Me in “Never Have I Ever…” Because of 2013

With 2014 approaching, I found myself scrambling to identify the highlights of this past year. While I had some trouble at first, I realized that 2013 was a year of big changes for me. But amidst all of this progress and change, there is nothing to worry about — I’m still me. I’m just more well-traveled and a little bit more experienced in the falling-out-of-the-sky department. So here’s a summary of my year, through “Never Have I Ever”s that are no longer true*:

Never have I ever…

  1. been grandfatherless.
  2. had an Instagram account dedicated to my dog and newspaper headlines.
  3. run a 5k.
  4. been *this close* to packing up my things and driving out to California.
  5. quit JCPenney.
  6. (I’m too lazy to try to phrase this in “Never Have I Ever…”-talk, but Emma Roberts read my letter.)
  7. gone ziplining.
  8. been the target of an all-out bird shit holocaust.
  9. been paid to write about costumes and cupcakes.
  10. had poison ivy.
  11. watched an entire season of a television show in one day.
  12. attended an amateur wrestling event.
  13. been part of a chicken beheading.
  14. single-handedly tried to take down the terrorist group known as “BuzzFeed.”
  16. rocked out with Rob Thomas.
  17. been paid to write literally anything.
  18. feared that I was a sellout.
  19. witnessed a caterpillar climb up a wall and get eaten by a spider.
  20. seen Dave Chappelle live.
  21. looked for a midget to love me via online dating.
  22. obtained a “big boy” job.
  23. gotten paid to tweet.
  24. been to Minnesota.
  25. stepped foot inside the single most incredible establishment in the United States (the Mall of America).
  26. eaten a “Juicy Lucy.”
  27. actually thought about being a parent.
  28. had this written about me: “Even at 23 he gets women better than most.”
  29. tried to learn how to play the piano.
  30. been brought to tears by a five-year-old kid dressed as Batman.
  31. hand-written a letter to a friend who wasn’t a “pen pal.”
  32. hated lists but just said “fuck it” and wrote them anyway (for free).
  33. modeled scarves.
  34. gotten herpes.
  35. physically wanted to harm an animal.
  36. owned socks with capes on them (trust me; they’re cool).
  37. truly enjoyed my job.

*As always, I am open to any/all questions regarding every aspect of this list.


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