A solution to a problem that doesn’t exist
Maybe it’s time for me to swipe right on the concept of online dating.
The last time I checked in, I was just beginning my Tinder journey. After hearing a handful of success stories, I decided that I’d give the dating app another chance. Perhaps it could be the “solution to my perpetual loneliness” (direct quote from my last post). But what I neglected to realize is that “my perpetual loneliness” is a conscious decision I’ve made, and frankly it’s not much of a problem at all. So, instead of looking at Tinder as a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist, I’m going to look at it as an opportunity — an opportunity to open doors that would remain closed otherwise.
My personal Tinder guidelines (cont.)
As I continue to use the app, I find myself developing more and more habits. One interesting observation I’ll make about these “rules” is that an overwhelming majority of them involve swiping left, effectively narrowing down (limiting?) my options. Like I said, I am the main reason those doors are closed in the first place.
Remember: Swipe left for NOPE, swipe right for LIKE.
- If I can’t pronounce her name, swipe left.
- Swipe left for girls whose names have stupid spellings (ie. Tayler, Elisabeth).
- *addendum to existing rule(s)* If there are two girls in the first photo and I can’t tell which one she is — BUT both girls are smoking hot — swipe right. Swipe right immediately because it doesn’t matter which girl she is. Plus, she has gorgeous friends.
- If she has any more than zero (0) photos containing a horse, swipe left.
- If there is a glaring spelling/grammatical error in her About Me section, swipe left.
- If a girl is too New Jersey¹, swipe left.
- If she has something like If you _________, keep it moving! in her profile, swipe left.
- If she mentions faith and/or religion in her About Me section, swipe left because ain’t nobody got time for that.
- If her name is Dina, swipe left.
- Swipe left if her weight isn’t discernible. (I know this makes me sound like a shallow asshole, but what’s the point of swiping right on somebody I don’t really want to talk to? That’d be sacrificing the integrity of Tinder. <<<<< That was a funny sentence.)
- CrossFit? Swipe left.
- If she has bad teeth, swipe left. (If she doesn’t have her mouth open in any of her photos, there is no way to prove she even has teeth. Obviously swipe left.)
- If we have mutual friends, assess the situation. (But then probably swipe right to see if she did/does the same.)
- If we have mutual interests, refer to all preceding rules because literally nothing matters less than this. (Exception: Weezer — see Rule #6 in previous post.)
Another Tinder anecdote for you
I broke one of my own rules recently (Rule #21, if we’re keeping track²). I noticed that the girl actually had two photos with a horse — something that would normally have me scoffing and swiping any which way but right…
However, this girl happened to be very attractive and quite skinny. Perhaps this is a weakness of mine.
¹You know exactly what I mean.