9. There is drama everywhere you go.
Regardless of where you work, there will always be some sort of drama. This one can’t stand that one, that one used to date this one, I got herpes from someone. It never ends. Although it took me a few weeks to realize there was drama like this at JCPenney, I assure you it exists. And while a majority of the people who work at JCPenney are nice and try not to get involved in this nonsense, it is sometimes difficult not to take sides.
10. Mannequins are sooo hot.
This might sound weird, but think about it. Picture your ideal mate and then look at a mannequin. You can’t tell me that a mannequin’s body isn’t better than whatever image you had in your head. Plus, clothes always fit the mannequins’ bodies better than they fit actual people (except when the clothing in question is a suit and the person is Daniel Craig). I am curious as to how you get to be the one who dresses/undresses the mannequins in the store. I will gladly volunteer next time.
11. There is a huge difference between fantasizing about stabbing someone and actually stabbing someone.
I basically use a binary scale to judge every customer, through which I decide whether I would like to stab them or let them live. Here are some examples of this process:
Woman who can’t speak English and contests every price of the items I scan – STABBED
Little boy crying hysterically in his stroller because his mom is paying for his onesies – STABBED
Hot mom of little boy crying hysterically in his stroller while she pays for his onesies – SAFE
Man who pays for $7 socks with a $100 bill when there is a line of customers – STABBED
*All of these aforementioned stabbings are strictly in my head. However, I find these fantasies getting more vivid as time goes on, and I imagine they will begin to develop into feature-length horror/slasher films in the near future.
12. I have a love/FUCK YOU relationship with children.
Folding baby clothes and organizing shelves of tiny little shoes make me want a baby. Seeing those adorable miniature three-piece suits for infants makes me want to impregnate somebody right there in the store, and then invent a time machine so I can fast-forward nine months and not have to deal with her getting fat and being moody so I can get to eating my newborn’s teeny-weeny toes.
However, hearing a kid whine about not getting a toy he wants or seeing the amount of money parents spend on dresses for their slutty five-year old daughter produce the exact opposite reaction. These types of things make me want to avoid getting within twenty feet of a woman for fear of impregnating her accidentally and having to deal with that shit myself. For now, I’ll accept my role as the innocent bystander who “didn’t see anything” when you kneed your kid in the stomach because he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about going to Build-A-Bear.
13. Everyone’s a little bit Jewish.
I don’t really believe in a higher being. I am not religious, nor do I have much faith in anything. But thank GOD JCPenney is phasing out coupons. I’d say about 70% of customers ask if we have any coupons out at the moment, and some will even try to tell me that they had one for JCPenney but they left it at home. Ha, joke’s on you because we don’t do coupons anymore, bitch.
And when a couple argues with me about a $4 sticker that they blatantly put on a $6 pair of pants, I look at them like: “Really? You’re going to complain about two dollars for a SIX DOLLAR pair of pants?” I mean, accept it for what it is (in this case, a $6 pair of pants) and be grateful you have a son with two legs that enable him to wear the pants.
14. I’m mostly just in it for the hot moms.
And underage broads.
****I am not going to stab anybody.