We all need a little John Goodman every now and again. The only thing better than a little John Goodman is a lot of John Goodman. The man is an extremely talented actor, and frankly, a living legend in the entertainment business. He never fails to paint smiles on every audience member’s face in the movie theater, which is why I will go as far as to call him an artist. Also, he kills it whenever he makes a television appearance (whether it be as a recurring character or guest star); case in point: Roseanne.
So, to honor a man who is always honest with his acting and his interviews, I’ve compiled a list of ten movies that just don’t seem to contain enough John Goodman in them. [WARNING: Some spoilers ahead...]
1. Coyote Ugly
Explanation: In a movie Mr. Goodman admittedly did solely “for the money,” one would expect more of the likable father and less of the annoying, singing protagonist daughter who is kind of hot.
2. The Borrowers
Explanation: In a movie about little people (like, not midgets — actual tiny persons), John Goodman plays the “evil” real estate developer who wants to destroy the house in which they reside. If anything, Goodman is the hero in this film because these tiny people are basically just glorified rats and “borrowing” is just a PG-term for stealing.
Side note: I do enjoy the way John Goodman is both figuratively and literally a giant to these rodents. He truly is larger than life, isn’t he?
3. The Artist
Explanation: The Artist won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 2011 (we can only assume because of Goodman’s performance), yet it still feels like something’s missing from the film. My best guess is John Goodman.
4. The Flintstones
Explanation: I know — “But didn’t John Goodman play Fred Flintstone, the lead role??” Yabba-dabba-DON’T be so naive. The time the film wasted trying to convince the audience Rosie O’Donnell would be married to a man could have been spent better developing Fred and Barney’s friendship.
Side note: I understand that Rosie didn’t come out until 2002, but it doesn’t make her lack of chemistry with Rick Moranis any less obvious.
5. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Explanation: Besides the fact that John Goodman is almost always both of the things mentioned in the title, how could a movie about 9/11 not include more of such an American hero? The Golden Globe-winning actor was instead reduced to the role of a doorman. Smh.
6. The Departed
Explanation: Okay, I know John Goodman wasn’t technically “in” The Departed to begin with, but I think everyone would agree that there could be more of him in it.
Explanation: Like The Artist, Argo won the Oscar for Best Picture in 2012 (again, we can only assume because of Goodman’s character). In fact, John Goodman is one of a very limited number of actors who have appeared in Best Picture winners in consecutive years. While rare, this accomplishment isn’t completely unbelievable because he was in basically every movie released from 2011-2013.
That being said, you can “Argo-fuck-yourself” if you think there was enough John Goodman in this otherwise wonderful film. Oscar-worthy, I’m sure, but it also deserves to be on this list.
9. The Big Lebowski
Explanation: John Goodman’s Walter Sobchak may be one of the best characters in the history of film, and The Big Lebowski is a fantastic movie. It’s like really really really good, man. But just because it’s GOOD doesn’t mean it couldn’t use a little more GOOD, MAN. GOODMAN. [Further explanation: "GOOD, MAN" → drop the comma → "GOOD MAN" → delete the space → "GOODMAN."]
10. literally every movie ever
Explanation: If there is anything we can learn from this discussion, my hope is that we all view movies a bit differently now. And if we’re ever watching a movie and we wonder: “Is there enough John Goodman in this…?”
The answer, in all likelihood, is no.
For Your Consideration
How do we know whether or not there is enough John Goodman in a movie?
The formula is a bit complex:
This foolproof formula will help you calculate the value of the variable x, which will reveal whether or not there is enough John Goodman in the film. The closer the value of x is to 1, the closer the film is to having enough John Goodman. Or, as a shortcut, you can use this much simpler formula:
x = OF COURSE THE FUCKING FILM DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH JOHN GOODMAN.